How does a woman
know if she is in a domestic violence relationship?
When people talk
about “domestic violence”, they usually see it as violence in the
home. But, it is more than this. The definition of a “domestic
relationship” includes relationships wherein two people are dating, are
separated or divorced, and includes same-sex relationships.
Most people also
believe that domestic violence is physical violence. However, there are
other types of abuse……. Physical abuse includes things like slapping,
hitting, shoving, stabbing, burning. There is emotional abuse, which
includes things like swearing at her, threats, isolating her from family
and friends. Sexual abuse includes rape, indecent assault, making her wear
clothes or do sexual acts that make her feel uncomfortable.
When is it too
late to get out of an abusive relationship?
It
is never too late to get out of an abusive relationship. The minute you
start feeling uncomfortable in the relationship or feel that your
partner’s treatment of you has changed (in a negative way eg. He has
become very possessive), this is the time to take a hard look at your
relationship, and try and identify what is different. This may be the time
to seek help or decide to end the relationship.
What would you
tell a caller who says that it is her duty to provide her husband with his
conjugal rights?
On the Stop Women
Abuse Helpline, the counselors get this comment a lot. We use this as an
opportunity to educate these callers on their rights. Nobody has
the right to abuse another. However, an abusive partner will often use
this statement as an excuse for his behaviour.
In actual fact, he is committing sexual abuse when he forces his
partner to have sex with him, when she does not feel like it or does not
consent.
Is there such a
thing as "marital rape"?
Yes,
this is a legal term and recognized as a crime in South Africa – she can
lay a charge of marital rape against him if he forces her to have sex
without her consent.
No man may force his wife to have sex with him against her will.
What would you say to a caller who is in an abusive
relationship with children?
An
abused woman with children needs to know what sort of effect abuse, or
even just witnessing the abuse between parents, may have on the child.
These parents are setting an example for their children, and are teaching
these children how to treat other people. If a boy sees his father abusing
his mother, he will learn that this is the way a woman should be treated.
This then creates a cycle of violence that regenerates from one generation
to another. The only way to ensure this doesn’t happen is to break this
cycle.
So,
parents who say that they never fight in front of the children could also
be traumatizing the children?
Yes, children are perceptive. They may not be seeing the abuse because
they are in another room, but they can hear what is going on, see the
physical signs (eg. Their mother’s bruised face) and they can sense the
tension and anger in the air. Some signs that
the child is traumatized could be: acting out the behaviour that he/she
has seen his/her parents exhibiting; bedwetting and nightmares; shouting
at the mother; fear and anxiety; social isolation.
Debbie
Richards
Dated: 2 September 2003
Counselling Centre Co-ordinator
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